100 Talladega Nights Quotes From The Hilarious Movie

These hilarious Talladega Nights quotes will make you feel like a winner.

From the duo that brought you Anchorman and Step Brothers, Will Ferrell and Adam McKay are known for writing ridiculous characters who spit out quotable one-liners. It’s no different for their film, Talladega Nights.

What’s the funniest line from Talladega Nights?

This classic comedy shows us the Ballad of Ricky Bobby, A NASCAR star who needs to learn a bit of humility.

Will Farrell and John C. Reilly provide hysterical performances as NASCAR winning and NASCAR second place (which, if we’re honest, is the same thing as last) drivers. 

These winning Talladega Nights quotes are sure to make you laugh. And if you need even more laughter, be sure to also check out our collection of Dave Chappelle quotes and these hilarious quotes from the movie Elf.

Talladega Nights quotes on winning

1. “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” — Ricky Bobby

2. “You’ve gotta cross over the anger bridge and come back to the friendship shore.” — Cal Naughton Jr.

3. “I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There’s no shame in that.” — Cal Naughton, Jr.

4. “Like the frightened baby chipmunk, you are scared by anything that is different.” — Jean Girard

5. “Ricky, remember: The field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night.” — Chip

Talladega Nights quotes on life

6. “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, it’s not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300.” — Ricky Bobby

7. “Hey, Jamie! Losing’s never fun, but here’s a little something to pick your spirits up… (flips the finger) It’s real nice…I got it at Target…it was on sale.” —Ricky Bobby

8. “Here’s the deal—I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.” — Ricky Bobby

9. “You gotta learn to drive with the fear, and there ain’t nothing more God damn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car.” — Reese Bobby

Talladega Nights quotes on being thankful

10. “Dear Lord Baby Jesus, or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesús, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino’s, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family, my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, or T.R. as we call him, and of course, my red-hot smoking wife, Carly who is a stone-cold fox.” — Ricky Bobby

If you’re enjoying these quotes, make sure to read our collection of step brothers quotes from the hit comedy.

11. “Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.” — Ricky Bobby

Talladega Nights quotes that will make you laugh

12. “We go together like cocaine and waffles.” — Cal Naughton Jr.

 13. “Are we about to get it on? Because I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.” — Ricky Bobby

14. “When you work on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you need the right tools too. That’s why you should use [is tossed a box of tampons] Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR.” — Ricky Bobby

15. “I like to picture my Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. ‘Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too. I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.” — Cal Naughton, Jr.

16. “You don’t understand. You don’t understand because you don’t understand liberty. You don’t understand freedom. So, you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?” — Ricky Bobby

17. “Well, let me give you a saying from Colonel Sanders. I am too drunk to taste this chicken.” — Ricky Bobby

18. “I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.” — Cal Naughton, Jr.

19. “Daddy, you made that grace your b*tch.” — Walker Bobby

20. “Old man, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey!” — Texas Ranger

If you’re a Will Farrell fan, be sure to also read these funny quotes from Ron Burgundy.

Talladega Nights quotes that will turn you into a champion

21. “Did that blow your mind? Because that just happened!” – Ricky Bobby

22. “I don’t know what to do with my hands.” – Ricky Bobby

23. “I’m all jacked up on mountain dew!” – Texas Ranger

24. “Aaaaah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance. And yes, it will be a slow jam.” – Jean Girard

25. [to the crew as they are speed-changing a customer’s tire] “Guys! No tires! We’re not a pit crew anymore, we’re a car wash team.” – Lucius Washington

26. “I’m just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?” – Ricky Bobby

27. “I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I’m here to party.” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

28. “Wow. I feel like I’m in Highlander!” – Ricky Bobby

29. “Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?” – Jean Girard

30. “You can’t have two No. 1s.” – Ricky Bobby

Don’t forget to also check out these Letterkenny quotes that will make you want to pack up and move to Canada.

Talladega Nights quotes that will make your day better

31. “I’m not sure what to do with my hands.” – Ricky Bobby

32. “We keep it on there for profiling purposes! We’ve also got The Pet Shop Boys and Seal.” — Bartender

33. “Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!” – Ricky Bobby

34. “What is that, a catchphrase or is that epilepsy?” — Jean Girard

35. “From now on, you’re the Magic Man and I’m El Diablo.” – Ricky Bobby

36. “Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!” — Lucius Washington

37. “It won the Academy Award… Best movie ever made.” – Ricky Bobby

38. “From now on, it’s Magic Man and El Diablo.” — Ricky Bobby

39. “I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip’s war medals off the bridge.” — Walker

40. “One of you turds is gonna get smacked in the mouth!” – Texas Ranger
If you’re enjoying these quotes, make sure to read our collection of hilarious Minion quotes from the movie.

Favorite Talladega Nights quotes

41. “Hi, I’m Ricky Bobby. If you don’t chew Big Red, then bleep you.” – Ricky Bobby

42. “Shake and bake!” — Cal Naughton Jr.

43. “Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces… newborn infant Jesus, don’t even know a word yet.” – Ricky Bobby

44. “I spread my butt cheeks as Mike Honcho.” — Cal Naughton Jr.

45. “I hope that both of you have sons… Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.” – Ricky Bobby

46. “Chew big red, or get out of my face motherf*cker.” — Ricky Bobby

47. “This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.” – Ricky Bobby

48. “Why, if it isn’t our mangy, transient grandfather.” – Texas Ranger

49. “I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt, cause it says, like, I want to be formal but I want to party too. Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.” — Cal Naughton Jr.

50. “Hey, shut up you little pot-licker, I’ll stick you in a microwave!” – Reese Bobby

Talladega Nights quotes for all the fans

51. “My husband Gregory And I want what any couple wants. To retire to Stockholm And develop a currency for dogs And cats to use.” — Jean Girard

52. “I came here to tell you one thing: come race time tomorrow, I’m coming for you.” – Ricky Bobby

53. “Will You be my… Katie Couric?” — Jean Girard

54. “But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.” – Jean Girard

55. “Girard is sitting on the pole, which is a statement of fact And in no way a comment on his sexual orientation.” — PA Announcer

56. “May God be with you, Monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war!” – Jean Girard

57. “I sent in my application to The Real World, so I’m hoping to hear back from that. I’m putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I’m also thinking about getting a gun, And dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like… like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, “Hey, what’s up guys? You want some crack?”. I’m just waiting on those two things to just kinda flesh themselves out.” — Ricky Bobby

58. “There’s nothing more frightening than driving with a live goddamn cougar next to you.”
— Reese Bobby

59. “I hope that both of You have sons… Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented And star athletes And they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray for You to know that pain And that hurt.” — Ricky Bobby

60. “Bon. So, what if you just said: ‘I love really thin pancakes’? That is a fair compromise, no?” –Jean Girard

Talladega Nights quotes that will brighten your day

61. “Susan, I’ve never heard You talk like that… Are we about to get it on? Because I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.” — Ricky Bobby

62. “My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants: to tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet, but before I can do that…” – Jean Girard

If you’re enjoying these quotes, make sure to read our collection of Hamlet quotes from the iconic play.

63. “Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon’ get bumpy!” — Ricky Bobby

64. “Best movie ever made. Look I came here to tell you tomorrow I’m coming for you.” – Ricky Bobby

65. “Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, And I’m sayin’ grace. When You say grace, You can say it to Grownup Jesus or Teenage Jesus or Bearded Jesus or whoever You want.” — Ricky Bobby

66. “Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said…’I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.’”— Ricky Bobby

67. “No, I don’t know what that means, I guess longer lives.” — Lucius Washington

68. “One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!” – Texas Ranger

69. “Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy?” — Jean Girard

70. “You better shut the hell up or I’ll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!” – Texas Ranger

More Talladega Nights quotes and lines

71. “Jesus did grow up.” – Carley Bobby

72. “I don’t care, I’m having a baby!” – Lucy Bobby

73. “I’ll just bury it down inside.” – Cal Naughton Jr.

74. “Got more plugs in him than a Circuit City.” – Carley Bobby

75. “How many more times you going to toss me the radio in the bathtub?” – Lucy Bobby

76. Reese: “You got big. How long’s it been? Three, four months?”
Ricky: “Ten years.”
Reese: “Ten years? Man, I’ve gotta lay off the peyote.”

77. “It’s the fastest who gets paid and it’s the fastest who gets laid.” – Reese Bobby

78. “Absolutely ma’am. I’d love to sign your baby. You’re not gonna want to wash that forehead.” – Ricky Bobby

79. “Super’s ready! Come on, y’all! I’ve been slaving over this for hours.” – Carley Bobby

80. “Yep, I’m flying through the air. This is not good.” – Ricky Bobby

Talladega Nights quotes from Ricky and Reese Bobby

81. “Please be 18.” — Ricky Bobby

82. “I’m going fast.” — Young Ricky Bobby

83. “Break it, Pepé Le Pew.” — Ricky Bobby

84. “It’s in the Geneva Convention!” — Ricky Bobby

85. “I felt like I was on a spaceship.” — Ricky Bobby

86. “See you when you’re grown up.” — Reese Bobby

87. “I wanna go fast. I wanna go fast.” — Young Ricky Bobby

88. “You don’t drive with your eyes, you drive with your heart.” — Reese Bobby

89. “Now, there’s nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity.” — Reese Bobby

90. “No ma’am. I haven’t seen my daddy in years. But my mama says he’s out racing cars and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.” — Young Ricky Bobby

Talladega Nights quotes when you want to laugh out loud

91. “We’ll use this knife to pry it out!” (trying to remove a knife in Ricky’s leg) — Lucius Washington

92.  “Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don’t you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!” — Lucius Washington

93. “Sorry Lucius, but it’s a hard habit to break, like stalking an ex-girlfriend.” — Glenn

94. “It’s not always bad to be in last place. Here’s some things we can focus on. 1. We tried hard and 2. We’re still dear friends.” — Glenn

95. “Sir, you taste of America.” — Jean Girard

96. “I will let you go, Ricky, but first I want you to say, ‘I love crepes.’” — Jean Girard

97. “Now I am declaring Granny Law and if you do not obey Granny Law, I will paint your back porch red.” — Lucy Bobby

98. “When you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?” —Cal Naughton Jr.

99. “Time to let the cougar loose.” — Ricky Bobby

100. “Everyone turn away. Things are gonna get crazy. We’re gonna make animal noises.” — Ricky Bobby

Which hysterical quote from Talladega Nights is your favorite?

If you’re a fan of Will Farrell, Talladega Nights is probably near the top of your favorite movie list. The film is bursting with outrageous one-liners, bizarre characters, and hilarious antics. 

So, whether Talladega Nights is a film you’ve seen one time or a hundred times, we hope these quotes made you laugh. Keep these Talladega Nights quotes in mind the next time you need to feel like a winner. 

Which of these hilarious Talladega Nights quotes is your favorite? Let us know in the comment section below.